#39

“I know the world’s a broken bone, but melt your headaches, call it home.”

– Northern Downpour by Panic! At The Disco.

This song really helps me get through a day’s worth of grief and negativity. Whenever I’d think that the world has turned its back on me, I’d remind myself of the fact that it is a broken bone, but it’s the only home that I’ll ever have, so better make the most out of it.

By keeping a positive outlook.

Because it’s the only life that I’ll ever have, the only world that I’ll ever have.

I’ll be inserting another quote mentioned by the Beatles in their song, “Across the Universe”: Jai guru deva om, which means “Nothing’s gonna change my world”, just because I’m listening to it right now and how it supports my idea of keeping a positive outlook on life. I’ve been really pessimistic and cynical and all that’s bad nowadays. It’s time to relieve myself of these troubling thoughts and treat myself to a day of sunshine (wait that’s too positive and overwhelming gah). Anyway, I’ve made my point.

So to the future Sab who’ll be coming across this post and she’s sad/negative/in terrible self-centered agony, BE AWESOME AND THINK POSITIVELY OKAY?? YOU’VE NEVER BEEN THIS CYNICAL BEFORE… SO YEAH. Create a better version of yourself. =)

I don’t want to believe that I have bipolar disorder, but I’ve scored positive in a few tests so does that mean I should consult a psychotherapist already or Idk.

SUN SUN SUN HERE IT COMES~~~

#38

The leaves sense it–a certain change in the weather. The crisp cold lingers in the air, caressing the leaves that turn as bright as the wild orange rays of the sun whenever it sets. They snap, they fall, they touch the ground; they accept their fate.

A temporary high. Like a man on acid as he listens to Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds on repeat. The feeling was surreal. But I was left hanging as to what their true nature was; were they ever real, or did I just make these things up in my head? Maybe I wanted to believe that I didn’t make them all up. Maybe, for once, I was so desperate to receive affection that I mistook these acts? I am in conflict with myself to be honest, because I know what I heard, and I know what I sensed back then… it may have been real before, but now, things have changed.

This is why I’ve decided to drop you like a load of bricks on the way to Mount Everest. You’ve done enough damage to my life, thank you very much. It’s just sad because I would see you and me together in the dreams I hide in a chest, the dreams that are too good to be true that I simply conceal them for I am afraid that I would be so engrossed with them that I would soon lose hold of reality. It’s sad because I thought you were quite your weight in gold, but I didn’t suffice. That’s alright; I never really thought I would. You gave me the impression that I would’ve though, which were very misleading.

What a foolish girl.

Anyway, I dream of a better life than my current one. To get a step closer to my goal, I must drop you off and open myself to other possibilities. I hope to embrace whatever life gives me wholeheartedly.

I’m setting these feelings aside. You are truly an interesting person. I would like to get to know you more as a friend and expose you to a world you have failed to see. Anything beyond friendship is something that should be avoided. Thank you for giving me another illusion. It was different from the last time, and so realistic that I mistook it for romance.

#37

I am freaking out.

Never in my entire life have I been so stressed out. I know I should be acting out on my roles as a college student right now by studying for my upcoming 8(?) quizzes this week, but I’m too anxious to focus even for one second. I shall relieve myself here.

Is this the reality that waits me in med school? Because thank goodness I’ve sworn to myself never to go to med school. I think I wouldn’t mind it if I’d walk up to this asylum and explained my condition to them, telling the wards how stressed out I am and how every time I open my Facebook profile, I get a mini heart attack whenever I receive a notification because shit, it’s school work. IT’S ALWAYS SCHOOL WORK DAMMIT.

I know the profs are also doing their best to make things easier for us (or make it challenging so that they could train us and mold us into becoming competent OT’s in the future), and I know they’re just doing this out of good but whoa sorry if my rants reach you. I’m just releasing stress. I need a creative outlet. Don’t judge me with this. I just have issues.

And you know what’s worse? Living FAR from my school. Yup. 1.5 hour trip going and back from UST and I have to bear with it because we’re broke. That means I have to wake up during ungodly hours like 2 or 3 AM in the morning so that I could review for a quiz that day. And it’s hard to study when you feel all groggy from the lack of sleep and the stress–did I mention the stress!?!?! I rarely even have time to watch Naruto!!

Anyway, SACRIFICE. YES, SACRIFICE. I’d be willing if I lived much closer to UST. There are times when I just can’t take it. Plus, the situation is just… timely, you know? With the feud going on with my mom and all the bad luck coming from this household. “What? You’re such a drama queen. You just don’t have the money to rent a dorm. Big deal.”

Screw that. It’s not just the dorm. It’s more than that. I’m not only frustrated with that.

GAHD I SHOULD STOP. SOBRANG NEGATIVE KO NA ASDFGHJKL;