#45

I realized I had tons of writing activities that I needed to accomplish by today, and I am still afflicted with writer’s block, so in order to stimulate my brain and program it into writing mode, I am writing this blog post about what has been happening in my life so far.

Compared to most schools and universities who have ended their academic years last March, UST has pushed through with the academic calendar shift. Long story short, I’ll be in school until May. Sure, from June to August, I don’t have any classes whatsoever, but is it just me or is the weather making me lazy? I could say that I’m not being as productive as I can be, and it’s because it is so HOT—you feel the humid air all around you as you walk out the door, the prickling minute rays of the sun piercing through the tiny pores of your skin, the strong glare attempting to move its way into your eyes as you squint.

And the heat isn’t even the same as anything I’ve ever felt before… at least when it comes to the part where I go “the prickling minute rays of the sun…” because even I am surprised with what’s happening to the climate. A part of me wants it to rain, but then again, it will be another occurrence that would attest to the fact that the climate’s changing.

So far, I have six projects that I have to finish by the end of the school year.

  • OT2 – Make your own OT model
  • Eng4 – Create a speech choir
  • Rizal Course – Reinvent Rizal’s Life
  • SCL – Submit your powerpoint in a CD and write a compare-contrast paper with someone (reflection)
  • PE – Social Dance Routine
  • NSTP – Create a magazine

The thing is that more than half of the projects mentioned above comprise more than half of my final grade. If I screw it, I may lose it.

Currently, I am having fun with OT. I am still searching for my purpose here. When I was in my last year of high school, it seemed like God was giving me all these signs to just go to UST, and now that I am here, I figured I might as well stay in the program as I discover the real reason why I’m here… waiting for it to slap me in the face and have me realize that this is where I am supposed to be. Lately, one of the people I knew has become well known in this field that I’ve been dying to join, and I could feel my heart cripple at the idea of her reaching for her dreams while I lay here, feeling as if all my efforts are in vain. I’m not angry because of her success; I’m angry at myself for allowing all of this to happen. What if I just ventured into that field? Can I make it? I would love it anyway compared to what I’m doing right now.

But the thing is that I’m willing to go through this right now. I am starting to love the program that I am in, and perhaps that just adds more to the self-hatred I am feeling right now. Yes, it’s not helping, but I guess I need this self-loathe right now to determine what I am really searching for in my life. Right now, I’m not accepting both sides completely—the future is still in my hands, and I have yet to decide on what I really want and I realized just how much of a leap I am making, and it somehow makes me happy to think that I am thinking about something for myself, not for grades or for the benefit of humankind. Because I’ve been struggling with this concept for a long time now… the concept of learning to love yourself; a concept that isn’t based on survival, but based on living.

So I’ve been switching from one idea to the other within this post. I guess that’s enough soul-searching for today. I hope my creative juices start working! ^u^