The following are journals which I have written from when I was in CamSur. I didn’t include a particular date. I just wanted to record what I felt back there, back then, so I’d have a distinct memory of it, and perhaps this would help me grow into a better person.
If I were to die before you know it, would you say you were contented with our current mother daughter relationship?
Why the question? Because I’m not.
It has only been lately that I realized that I will never achieve the love that I’ve desired from you ever since I was a six year old kid. All this time I’ve doubted your love for me, because even if you do show it by giving me my iPod, cooking my favorite food, and your other responsibilities, you rarely asked me if I was alright emotionally… if your trips were draining the life out of me, if the way I’ve been acting was because you did something wrong and not because of hormonal imbalance, if I needed help. Because I would always be the first one to tell you about it, and you don’t even notice the changes in me unless it was blatantly obvious that our other family members could see it, which means that you were either oblivious to my emotions or callous to ignore my feelings and not admit your faults. I have my faults as well; I know I don’t fulfill all of my daughterly duties, and I would always place the blame for the hurt I’m feeling on you. But it was because you mattered… you always have, and I could’ve just tossed your memory aside to remove this pain, but I always had hope. Yet I’d feel like you don’t even make as much of an effort as I am. I chose to stay in Mandaluyong, you decided to leave to pay for a condo that was supposedly under my name until you sold it. I go with you to Bicol, you basically ignore the heck out of me. I don’t fucking know what to do.
A part of me sees it as a disability you possess… a certain blindness wherein no matter what you do, you will never resolve this problem of yours. I also feel that you are partially responsible for this impairment… because you let it happen. You let it take over you.
Our strained, hopeless mother-daughter relationship will be the reason for my future lack of communication with you upon my travels to another country. Though I doubt my departure would cause anything, I’d like to think that I am letting you feel the same feeling of abandonment I’ve felt as a child.
I know other children have it worse than I do, and that I shouldn’t be whining and confront you about this, but I reckoned that would be futile. You’ve been like that throughout your life, and until now, I still haven’t gotten used to it. I guess we all experience different kinds of pain, and this pain would last me a lifetime, because of the constant doubts and disenchantment.
Lies cost lives.
Nineteen years, yet I have never gotten used to the world I live in.
I know that these are just presumptions for now, but why do all the pieces fit together? Why is it that in every side of the story, there will always be people suffering while there are those who benefit from their pain? Why is this system dominating?
I wish I were older. I might have helped in the situation somehow. I know it isn’t final, though I cannot help but feel as if it is what it is. Why are there even those who make use of the goodness in the hearts of others to their own advantage?
I hate feeling like the fool here. I suppose nobody wants that.
2015 is a new all time low for me. I could only pray for the strength and the courage to get through this. As what was written in Philippians 4:13, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
The sadness is not helping.
Two more days before my departure to Manila from CamSur, where I’ve spent more than a month taking care of my 1 year 10 months little brother and struggling with getting good internet connection.
This anxiety hasn’t left me.
I have this one goal, and so many reasons why I should be pursuing this… so many things on the line.
I acknowledge my strengths and weaknesses.
I do my best to “keep my eyes on the prize” and “persevere”.
But confusion, restlessness, and the bitter thought of failure never leave me.
According to the behavioral frame of reference used in OT, your behavior is influenced by your environment; an adaptive response upon contact. I’m pretty sure a psychologist quoted that, but while I’m writing this post, I have no internet connection, which is why I cannot verify who said those words. Nevertheless, he was right.
If I were to give advice to a person who’s experiencing sadness, I’d tell him or her to write. Write, write, write, and don’t stop.
Let the negativity out. Gather all your thoughts and emotions. Find out the best solution to your problem. Adapt.
But the thing is… should I be the only one adapting?
With so many problems arising, I don’t know how I am able to keep my sanity intact. Maybe God’s helping me do so, and I’d like to think that I can extract all that strength within me in the midst of vulnerability. But there are times when I’d think that in spite of a person’s failure to see things, should we give consent to his behavior no matter how destructive it may be?
I can’t wait to graduate.
Everything’s on the damn line.