Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of self-pitying, which is bad, I know. Right now, a number of excuses are running in my head so as to justify my reasons for doing so, but I know it’s wrong, and my reasons will never make them right.
As I study for a pending quiz in OT4 tomorrow, I felt a gush of anxiety wash over me. I try to calm myself down, use words to convince myself to return to studying, and invest all of my focus on the book, but I still get shaky whenever I try to do so. Probably because of the fact that I’m failing this subject, and I feel hopeless, but then I remembered about writing in this journal and praying. I should pray.
I have a strong urge not to address my mother as mother, for I don’t feel the maternal aspect behind the role she presumes, and I just don’t feel like a daughter to her. Recalling this book I’m reading for OT4, there was this girl who felt as if she was a pawn between her parents, and honestly, I feel as if I’m a pawn to my own mother. She sends me all these videos of my younger brother and to be honest, although I’ve come to terms with the presence of my younger brother, I just don’t think I could be with them. There are times when I’d want to erase myself from their memories. I don’t know if my mom is doing this to cheer me up because I don’t miss my younger brother, and I know it’s bad because ain’t family about missing people? But I’ve never gotten to know the kid completely… I feel as if I’ve set up this wall that I can’t break myself because of so much anger and fear holding me back. I don’t know if what I’m doing is right anymore. I just want some closure right now, and a motherly presence to tell me that everything will be alright…because my own mother can’t do that to me, whether she were near me or far. I feel as if every video she sends to me about my younger brother serves as a reminder for me that they’re still there and will depend on me in the future, and even though that’s not the definite message that my mother is delivering me, it feels like it is, and I don’t feel secure.
I just want to run away from so many things right now. I know people are helping me in so many ways, and I should see them. I really should… why don’t I? Why do I need to constantly remind myself of what’s around me when I should be aware of it in the first place, so that I could forget the root of my anxiety?
And no, this isn’t PMS. I can assure you.
I hope I could gain some peace within myself after this post.