Last time, I mentioned that I wanted matcha ice cream and chocolate. Well, God surely delivers–I have em with me right now, and I’ve never been so happy since the time when my grades were released. And guess who’s gonna be a 4th year OT student?
Also, I didn’t bother posting this last Monday but… R+L=J is real! Ha! The theory which I wished so badly to come true has been finally confirmed by the TV series. You could say that I was part of the early mainstream release of R+L=J, but I don’t care whether it’s been popularized or not–it’s real, and I’m just so happy that a lot of people share the same hope of Jon Snow sitting on the Iron Throne along with Daenerys Targaryen.
And now that Ramsay Bolton is dead, can I just say that I’m totally attracted to Iwan Rheon? Love his songs. He has this touch of authenticity to his songs that I haven’t heard in a while now. It kinda reminds me of Dylan or McCartney.
Anyway, enough with the “A Song of Ice & Fire” series and on to more life crushing moments, if I say so myself. This is the last summer that I am ever going to have. When I finish my senior year, we will be immediately assigned to our designated internship locations and do our thang. Sometimes I even wonder if I have what it takes to treat patients. I don’t know, I just think that I have so much respect for people that my small blunders while practicing as a student would be something that I would look at as a “crime against humanity”. But then I think to myself, “Wow, you overthink too much.”
Which is why I just opt to go with the flow, and perhaps things will turn out well. I just gotta work on my interpersonal skills as well as my competency in order to help people get the best out of their treatment. Sometimes, I would think to myself, “Wow, I am handling human lives. That is such a precious thing to bear.” One who wears the crown must bear its weight. To my future patients, I hope I do you justice!!
Besides these rants, what prompted me to write was my mother sending a photo of my younger brother. My cousins would comment on how cute he is, sending him affections and all, but when I viewed that picture, I viewed it as just another child, and dismissed it. It made me feel like a horrible person. Why can’t I learn to like my younger brother?
Sure, we never had the time to really get to know each other. I only knew him for a few months, yet like the child that he is, he’s happy to see me, and I know deep down he looks up to me and loves me. But what I fear the most would be my anger towards my mother passing onto him, even if he doesn’t have anything to do with it. He’s just a kid. He never did anything to me. What happened between me and my mother is our business. But my mother doesn’t understand how I feel nor makes an effort to do so. She knows that I like kids, but doesn’t know that I’m not filled with joy or affection for my younger brother. It feels as if she’s expecting me to immediately bond with him like how he does with me even if it’s only through pictures. I can’t do that. Perhaps too much emotional scarring from her has brought me to this state but I’m trying to revert from that. And I have to understand her side again and again. I want to change that though–that habit of mine of always regarding my feelings first. Like, it’s okay to be aware of them and know them deeply, but acting like I’m the only one who’s affected by the situation isn’t good. I should also have regard for other people. I should learn to put other people first.
I just hope that my cousin would be ok with me looking up to her as more of a motherly figure than my mother could ever be.