#61

Only a few more days before summer ends. My last summer, since I’ll be sent off to internship once I finish 4th year. It’s astounding, isn’t it? To finally be in 4th year, to be so close to graduating and living the life that I dreamed for myself? And to think, years from now, with my plans to study abroad, everything is becoming so overwhelming for me.

I just realized that I’ve been spending most of my life daydreaming, and not living in the moment.

Another conclusion that I have raised upon myself is the fact that even if I did write something to please others, ultimately, I should be writing for myself. As Cyril Connolly once said, “Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self.” So I’ll be doing more of that, which is basically the point of this blog. But also, it applies to the stories that I write.

 

#60

I once often dismissed this feeling because I thought that it was just too much even for another person to feel such a thing, but these past few days, I’ve been getting the feeling that I may not be the only one who felt that way.

So I trace back to my high school years, when I would talk and talk to my friends who live miles away from here, and taking into account the time difference… so when the group chat is in session, and I saw your name there, you don’t know how happy I would feel when I did see it, and how I’d control myself from laughing due to excitement.

And when you’d leave because you had to sleep–which was understandable, or unimaginable, since you sleep at 3-4 in the morning–even though I know it’s perfectly reasonable for you to leave, I’d feel this tug inside me and the urge to say “please, don’t go”, because I loved talking with you, and I loved the feeling while doing so. But I didn’t like the person that I was when I was talking to you. This front that I had to put up just to keep your attention on me and to make myself louder so as to appear more interesting was something I couldn’t keep up, because deep inside I know that that’s not me.

Deep inside, I was hoping that you liked me for who I am, and that you’d remember me as the person that I am now, but how could you, when I didn’t even bother to really show you that side of me because I was afraid of being so vulnerable, of the people around us, of the attention that we were getting because of my feelings? Most of all, how could I, when I’m not so sure of what you thought of me back then, before I realized that perhaps you were just toying with my feelings unknowingly, just because you were too nice to refuse me?

This confusion still plagues my heart to this day. I never had closure to begin with, since I never gave you the opportunity to speak- I just left without another word. I think it’s all my fault though–I was afraid, and I’m still afraid to gain that closure to this day. I’m still afraid of what our friends back then would think of my actions, and I’m afraid of what you’ll think of me for suddenly returning. That’s why I stayed still, even though there were times I would want to send you a message and all that.

Musings aside, I will be braver. I will be bolder. And no matter who or what circumstances I fall under that would challenge my vulnerabilities, I won’t back down. I’ll keep on fighting.

#59

I am filled with utter disappointment.

Writing in the Gakuen Alice archive has always brought me a mixture of joy and thrill. To see my works published in that archive was empowering, and I look forward to the people who read it and motivate me to write even more.

But recently, I stopped writing in that archive due to studies. When I viewed my past stories there, I looked back at the reviews page and reckoned that I should commit myself to finishing this story at last– at least finish it for those who are still reading it, even though deep inside, the stories there have been hindering me from writing this other story that I have been aching to write.

So I finished the latest chapter and uploaded it. I was excited and I looked forward to the people who would read it, and perhaps leave feedback on it to let me know that this decision was not in vain, and the continuation of this story was something that readers actually wanted. A few days have passed, and not a lot of people left feedback, which made me sad because I had thought that the 80+ people who were subscribing to this story were still interested in reading it… but the amount of reviews left behind speak otherwise.

It’s quite disappointing because I felt as if I wasted my time on it. I no longer had the motivation to finish this story, but I feel guilty for not finishing it because there were these people counting on me, and I wanted to give them something they could look forward to, finish it, and ultimately leave that website for good. Unfortunately, things didn’t go my way, and I asked for a sign, that if I didn’t receive this amount of reviews by Wednesday, I shall be posting the last chapter of that story and move on to greener pastures, to finally write Flare.

I don’t understand though. When I viewed the stats, 100+ people visited my work, over 400 views and only 1-2 people cared to leave feedback. It’s quite frustrating, to think that i had worked hard for naught.

I cry.

#58

Last time, I mentioned that I wanted matcha ice cream and chocolate. Well, God surely delivers–I have em with me right now, and I’ve never been so happy since the time when my grades were released. And guess who’s gonna be a 4th year OT student?

Me. 😀

Also, I didn’t bother posting this last Monday but… R+L=J is real! Ha! The theory which I wished so badly to come true has been finally confirmed by the TV series. You could say that I was part of the early mainstream release of R+L=J, but I don’t care whether it’s been popularized or not–it’s real, and I’m just so happy that a lot of people share the same hope of Jon Snow sitting on the Iron Throne along with Daenerys Targaryen.

And now that Ramsay Bolton is dead, can I just say that I’m totally attracted to Iwan Rheon? Love his songs. He has this touch of authenticity to his songs that I haven’t heard in a while now. It kinda reminds me of Dylan or McCartney.

Anyway, enough with the “A Song of Ice & Fire” series and on to more life crushing moments, if I say so myself. This is the last summer that I am ever going to have. When I finish my senior year, we will be immediately assigned to our designated internship locations and do our thang. Sometimes I even wonder if I have what it takes to treat patients. I don’t know, I just think that I have so much respect for people that my small blunders while practicing as a student would be something that I would look at as a “crime against humanity”. But then I think to myself, “Wow, you overthink too much.”

Which is why I just opt to go with the flow, and perhaps things will turn out well. I just gotta work on my interpersonal skills as well as my competency in order to help people get the best out of their treatment. Sometimes, I would think to myself, “Wow, I am handling human lives. That is such a precious thing to bear.” One who wears the crown must bear its weight. To my future patients, I hope I do you justice!!

Besides these rants, what prompted me to write was my mother sending a photo of my younger brother. My cousins would comment on how cute he is, sending him affections and all, but when I viewed that picture, I viewed it as just another child, and dismissed it. It made me feel like a horrible person. Why can’t I learn to like my younger brother?

Sure, we never had the time to really get to know each other. I only knew him for a few months, yet like the child that he is, he’s happy to see me, and I know deep down he looks up to me and loves me. But what I fear the most would be my anger towards my mother passing onto him, even if he doesn’t have anything to do with it. He’s just a kid. He never did anything to me. What happened between me and my mother is our business. But my mother doesn’t understand how I feel nor makes an effort to do so. She knows that I like kids, but doesn’t know that I’m not filled with joy or affection for my younger brother. It feels as if she’s expecting me to immediately bond with him like how he does with me even if it’s only through pictures. I can’t do that. Perhaps too much emotional scarring from her has brought me to this state but I’m trying to revert from that. And I have to understand her side again and again. I want to change that though–that habit of mine of always regarding my feelings first. Like, it’s okay to be aware of them and know them deeply, but acting like I’m the only one who’s affected by the situation isn’t good. I should also have regard for other people. I should learn to put other people first.

I just hope that my cousin would be ok with me looking up to her as more of a motherly figure than my mother could ever be.