#65

In deep emotional turmoil right now, and it scares me because it won’t go away.

Save me from desolation.

I seek liberation.

Please, hear my prayer.

I can still function yet I can’t bear to feel this way. I know where this emotion stems from, but the solution can’t be done right now.

#64

This December, I had an epiphany in four different aspects:

1.) My professors believe that I’m capable of handling patients soon, based on my grades in my lab session, aside from the other subjects that I’ve passed this semester.

  • …which is why you should have faith in what you’re doing and what you’re capable of. You have a good grasp of my strengths and weaknesses, and you shouldn’t just allow anyone to dictate what you can and can’t do, because you know yourself best. However, don’t be complacent over anything. Continue to do your best and work hard, study smart, and you’re on your way. Keep yourself grounded, and remember that in everything that you do, God is in the works as well.

2.) I just finished watching the K-Drama, “Doctors”, and it was terrific. I love it to pieces. I finished the drama in less than 2 days because I was so addicted to it.

  • Contrary to what other people may say about the pace of the love line between PSH and KRW, I liked it. I like how they didn’t rush things. I believe that character growth is essential to every story line, and the PDs were able to deliver them well, in a way that it didn’t look contrived. I wished that they would just get married in the end, or include a scene where they’re moving in the place where they used to live. That would’ve been more heartwarming for me, but I’m pretty content with them getting engaged in the end.

3.) The main reason why I loved the drama was because of the lead male character (and as a result, I now have a crush on Kim Raewon, who is 15 years older than me, but what the heck. I think I prefer older men.)

  • He was mature and practical. His actions are well calculated, though at times he can be spontaneous too. When it comes to his feelings, he’s expressive, and with his views, he’s quite outspoken and doesn’t back down whenever he and Hyejung argue. He was patient and understanding of Hyejung’s situation and her reasons behind her actions, and when it comes to serious topics, he keeps the mood light, so you wouldn’t have to feel like you’re being dragged deep into the ground by your feelings. Besides these qualities, he’s sensible, good humored, willing to go through lengths to help you, though there were some imperfections. Nevertheless, I feel as if I found the type of guy whom I want to end up with.

4.) I think I’m a hopeless case when it comes to romance.

  • I think I want a lot of things from someone when I can’t even do these things myself. But the reason why I look for these qualities is because I lack them, and I want to be with someone who would keep me grounded and well balanced in life. I usually go big or go home; there’s no middle ground for me (except when it comes to studying). Same concept is applied in my life right now. I want someone who doesn’t weigh me down. I know I haven’t been in a relationship before, so I can’t really say much about what is and what should be, but ideally, this is what I want. I just hope that these ideals aren’t just ideals, but something that can be fulfilled one day. I know that my head is in the clouds like, all the time, but I can be realistic, and these thoughts have basis; I wouldn’t dream of the impossible. I know my boundaries when I found out Eddie Redmayne was married–character wise, he’s awesome, but I know my place, so I don’t daydream about ending up with him. Oh well. Whatever’s in store for me, all I can do is hope that someone could come close to this, and with my current situation, it’s quite hard, and the future seems bleak. I don’t know if I should continue believing; I keep on disappointing myself with these things. Either I’m reckless or I just never learn.

Advance merry Christmas, self! This blog has proven itself to be a way to record yourself without having people you know read it.