#67

It’s Holy Week at this time of the year. I don’t have any classes but I’m left with some school work that’s needed to be accomplished by my group. It just sucks because I’ve already set up this routine for myself where I watch dramas all day until I finish it (I’m currently watching Eternal Love and I’m hooked I swear).

I have the tendency to withdraw from all the stressors of my life for a while as a way to somewhat “cleanse” myself of all the negativity it has brought upon me, making myself feel rejuvenated enough to face my problems. Like, I’m in the middle of it right now and I’m just so pissed that I’m bothered at a time like this– vacation time geez

I hate doing research. I know it’s important, but I don’t like doing it.

Anyway speaking of other things that I’m pissed off at, I just started liking this guy, but after I mustered the courage to look at his facebook profile picture, I lost interest. I’m just disappointed. I thought that he was different, but apparently, he wasn’t. He’s the same as most guys, and I’m honestly saddened about it because I sensed something real in him that I haven’t felt from others, and yet… huh, I’m really unlucky when it comes to picking someone to like. Oh well.

I thought he could be… himself, not what the world sees him as.

And then I wondered how guarded have we become with our feelings? I know it’s only a way to protect yourself from further harm, but having gone through that when I was younger, that front that you put up isn’t going to help you. It’s a double edged sword wherein you’d rather choose to not feel anything than to feel anything at all. It’s like, not being able to taste your food but eating it anyway because your body needs the nourishment it could get; like your 5th grade essay which you wrote for the sake of writing it and not because you felt the convictions depicted on your paper. It’s like getting by and is the complete opposite of living.

Maybe it’s the course that one must encounter in order to become more open with feelings. I understand that we all cope with these things differently, but I can’t help but feel sorry for those who are coping in this manner, because even if you have dealt with it this way, you may not know it but it could be taxing on your soul.

Huh. I’m getting all emotional now. My point is… being guarded has become the norm nowadays that being real is taken for granted.

Back to my Eternal Love marathon.

And if you’re reading this, you… know that whatever you do, I will never yield to you. I’ve had enough of erratic decision making in the past to bear it. The thing is, if you had a relative whom you’d do everything for when that person doesn’t give a fuck, well… it teaches you how to distinguish genuine kindness from bullshit.

Much love.

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Sabrina Dela Fuente

An occupational therapy student who does music and literature on the side. On some days, she engages in soul-searching.

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