#70

I am drowning in paperwork. I know I should start by now, but I figured that this blog post would be a pre-game for me before I exert all my energy into writing.

So far, I’m learning a lot as an OT intern. I’ve experienced physical dysfunction, psychiatry, and the pediatrics setting, and I have to admit, of all of these settings, I very much like the first one. (Looking forward to my rotation in AMRC ^_^)

Funny things have been happening so far. A love square, I suppose. HAHA.

Occasional glances.

And name calling whenever I’m around.

I’m telling myself to just “call it whatever you want, but if it ain’t making your heart flutter, it’s nothing.”

Anyway…

AYOKO NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHHUHU I wanna give up but I can’t because it’s been 5 years sayang naman lahat noon kung alam ko lang dapat nag-ateneo na lang ako diba??? HUH??? pero hindi eh pinili ko to, naghirap ako for 5 years, eh heto 1 buwan ka na lang kaya gumapang ka kasi hindi ka nag-aral for 5 years para lang mag-give up ka after 3 months worth of internship. KAYA KUMAPIT KA AT GUMAPANG KA, MAGTRABAHO KA BALIW NGAYON KA PA TATAMAD-TAMAD??? ALALAHANIN MO 5 YEARS MONG KINAYOD TO NAGHIRAP KA, NAGKASAKIT KA, ILANG TEARS NANG LUMABAS SA MGA MATA AT ILONG MO PARA LANG MAKARATING KA DITO??? KAYA SAVOR IT AND RELISH IT. DON’T THROW THOSE 5 YEARS AWAY. DON’T THROW YOUR TEARS, YOUR SACRIFICES, THOSE TIMES NA YOU HAD TO GIVE UP SOMETHING FOR YOUR STUDIES. KASI NANDITO KA NA.

You’re here. After 5 years, you’re here.

Are you going to throw it all away after 3 months of rotation lang?

Love
Yourself

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#69

Let it go, Sabrina.

I don’t mean to include the famous song that made Frozen a household name, but I thought the words were fitting to my situation right now.

So I feel things more intensely than most people. It is a double edged sword, I suppose, as while I may get excited over the smallest things or find a glimmer of hope when things don’t seem to go my way, in turn, there are moments of downward spirals and lapses of grief and hopelessness.

Not that I could control these things. I guess I once did, but it only held me back from experiencing life, so I just chose to live with it anyway, carrying my heart around my sleeve, and succumbing to the consequences of my propensities.

And then, that event happened.

That event that was more of a wake up call for me. Aside from the embarrassment that I had experienced from literally looking like someone who had 1 hour of sleep and is prepared to take off, there was also shame from wanting to look at you and see that there was someone else beside you. Probably also from the idea that I’ve taken those glances the wrong way–curiosity taken for interest–and that everything was one-sided.

So I am grasping onto that. And I have to let go of it.

I have to let go of my notions, of my prospects, because right now, everything is just… muddy and blurry. I know I think too much and I know I can get way ahead of myself sometimes, and i know the downside of all of them.

While I am experiencing that downside, I have something to help me get by: the words, “Let it go.”

Let it go.

Let it go.

No matter what happens, keep it together and let it go.

#68

Don’t project all of your uncertainties, your doubts, your unsure feelings towards me.

Because the moment I fell into this rabbit hole, I knew what I was getting into.

I am aware of the fact that nobody is perfect. Just because that person is not the ideal standard of beauty in your book, that does not mean that he is less of a person than he actually is. And please, have some respect for him, because I like him, and if you have any regard for my feelings, you would’ve been sensitive enough to withhold your tongue from mentioning anything else.

Just because you see an ass, doesn’t mean that he’s only full of shit. Don’t judge people like that. Don’t belittle someone like that.

#67

It’s Holy Week at this time of the year. I don’t have any classes but I’m left with some school work that’s needed to be accomplished by my group. It just sucks because I’ve already set up this routine for myself where I watch dramas all day until I finish it (I’m currently watching Eternal Love and I’m hooked I swear).

I have the tendency to withdraw from all the stressors of my life for a while as a way to somewhat “cleanse” myself of all the negativity it has brought upon me, making myself feel rejuvenated enough to face my problems. Like, I’m in the middle of it right now and I’m just so pissed that I’m bothered at a time like this– vacation time geez

I hate doing research. I know it’s important, but I don’t like doing it.

Anyway speaking of other things that I’m pissed off at, I just started liking this guy, but after I mustered the courage to look at his facebook profile picture, I lost interest. I’m just disappointed. I thought that he was different, but apparently, he wasn’t. He’s the same as most guys, and I’m honestly saddened about it because I sensed something real in him that I haven’t felt from others, and yet… huh, I’m really unlucky when it comes to picking someone to like. Oh well.

I thought he could be… himself, not what the world sees him as.

And then I wondered how guarded have we become with our feelings? I know it’s only a way to protect yourself from further harm, but having gone through that when I was younger, that front that you put up isn’t going to help you. It’s a double edged sword wherein you’d rather choose to not feel anything than to feel anything at all. It’s like, not being able to taste your food but eating it anyway because your body needs the nourishment it could get; like your 5th grade essay which you wrote for the sake of writing it and not because you felt the convictions depicted on your paper. It’s like getting by and is the complete opposite of living.

Maybe it’s the course that one must encounter in order to become more open with feelings. I understand that we all cope with these things differently, but I can’t help but feel sorry for those who are coping in this manner, because even if you have dealt with it this way, you may not know it but it could be taxing on your soul.

Huh. I’m getting all emotional now. My point is… being guarded has become the norm nowadays that being real is taken for granted.

Back to my Eternal Love marathon.

And if you’re reading this, you… know that whatever you do, I will never yield to you. I’ve had enough of erratic decision making in the past to bear it. The thing is, if you had a relative whom you’d do everything for when that person doesn’t give a fuck, well… it teaches you how to distinguish genuine kindness from bullshit.

Much love.

#66

I just watched Love in the Moonlight, and let me say this… Park Bo Gum is amazing. Plus, I find him so handsome and adorable that I can’t help but swoon. I also made him my phone lock screen just because. I feel like I can write stories again because of him, but then again, I’ve lost touch with writing, and I’m finding it a bit difficult to return. Sighs.

Anyway, 10 more days before school begins. The thought of it terrifies me a bit. I would think about how I would turn out to be as an intern, and I could imagine myself losing face in front of a group of people and not being the therapeutic medium that they deserve. At least, in the psychiatric setting.

But I am trying.

I guess I should’ve just taken PT. I prefer the physical dysfunction aspect of OT.

Anyway, on the brighter side of things, I got myself free glasses woooooo~ benefits of having friends yaaaas.

Anyway, dammit. I’m totally inspired to write thanks to Park Bo Gum but everything I write turns out to be shit. What to do.

#65

In deep emotional turmoil right now, and it scares me because it won’t go away.

Save me from desolation.

I seek liberation.

Please, hear my prayer.

I can still function yet I can’t bear to feel this way. I know where this emotion stems from, but the solution can’t be done right now.

#64

This December, I had an epiphany in four different aspects:

1.) My professors believe that I’m capable of handling patients soon, based on my grades in my lab session, aside from the other subjects that I’ve passed this semester.

  • …which is why you should have faith in what you’re doing and what you’re capable of. You have a good grasp of my strengths and weaknesses, and you shouldn’t just allow anyone to dictate what you can and can’t do, because you know yourself best. However, don’t be complacent over anything. Continue to do your best and work hard, study smart, and you’re on your way. Keep yourself grounded, and remember that in everything that you do, God is in the works as well.

2.) I just finished watching the K-Drama, “Doctors”, and it was terrific. I love it to pieces. I finished the drama in less than 2 days because I was so addicted to it.

  • Contrary to what other people may say about the pace of the love line between PSH and KRW, I liked it. I like how they didn’t rush things. I believe that character growth is essential to every story line, and the PDs were able to deliver them well, in a way that it didn’t look contrived. I wished that they would just get married in the end, or include a scene where they’re moving in the place where they used to live. That would’ve been more heartwarming for me, but I’m pretty content with them getting engaged in the end.

3.) The main reason why I loved the drama was because of the lead male character (and as a result, I now have a crush on Kim Raewon, who is 15 years older than me, but what the heck. I think I prefer older men.)

  • He was mature and practical. His actions are well calculated, though at times he can be spontaneous too. When it comes to his feelings, he’s expressive, and with his views, he’s quite outspoken and doesn’t back down whenever he and Hyejung argue. He was patient and understanding of Hyejung’s situation and her reasons behind her actions, and when it comes to serious topics, he keeps the mood light, so you wouldn’t have to feel like you’re being dragged deep into the ground by your feelings. Besides these qualities, he’s sensible, good humored, willing to go through lengths to help you, though there were some imperfections. Nevertheless, I feel as if I found the type of guy whom I want to end up with.

4.) I think I’m a hopeless case when it comes to romance.

  • I think I want a lot of things from someone when I can’t even do these things myself. But the reason why I look for these qualities is because I lack them, and I want to be with someone who would keep me grounded and well balanced in life. I usually go big or go home; there’s no middle ground for me (except when it comes to studying). Same concept is applied in my life right now. I want someone who doesn’t weigh me down. I know I haven’t been in a relationship before, so I can’t really say much about what is and what should be, but ideally, this is what I want. I just hope that these ideals aren’t just ideals, but something that can be fulfilled one day. I know that my head is in the clouds like, all the time, but I can be realistic, and these thoughts have basis; I wouldn’t dream of the impossible. I know my boundaries when I found out Eddie Redmayne was married–character wise, he’s awesome, but I know my place, so I don’t daydream about ending up with him. Oh well. Whatever’s in store for me, all I can do is hope that someone could come close to this, and with my current situation, it’s quite hard, and the future seems bleak. I don’t know if I should continue believing; I keep on disappointing myself with these things. Either I’m reckless or I just never learn.

Advance merry Christmas, self! This blog has proven itself to be a way to record yourself without having people you know read it.