#6

Would it kill people to think of how I’d feel when they do something?

…or is it really of human nature to just think of oneself all the time?

Do you even ask how I feel about your constant departures and arrivals? About your job? You just went on your own without even asking me if I’m alright with this when I never agreed to any of this.

I never sought for the easy life. You know that too, so why are you saying that you’re doing this for me?

I’m just tired.

I can’t live this way, having to pull over my boat at the moment that you magically appear from the sky. I have plans, and you’re just pulling me down.

Just stop.

Please.

I’m begging you.

#5

Something I’ve been working on just now. It’s been a while since I’ve written something, I thought, and then I recalled the Ateneo College Entrance Test and the essay part there. Let’s say that I don’t write well under pressure, most especially using a pencil and a pen. I tend to write better when facing the computer and typing off the words into a word document.

Write an essay that considers the word “identity”.

Identity. There are times when I would ask myself, “Who am I?” or “What is my purpose here as a child of God?” When does an identity mold you into another one and when do you create your own identity? Is it like destiny that happens overtime, falling into the right place at the right moment? Is it something as tangible as a drop of rain from the gray sky? What can I get from identity? What good does it do to me?

I would walk down the school corridors, glance at the people I pass by on my way to the classroom and wonder how they’d think of me. Am I visible? Do they see me? It’s a bit peculiar how people’s opinions vary, which could possibly lead to who they really are.

Am I my own identity? I once thought. Probably not. Identity doesn’t happen overnight–it’s a matter of self-actualization that could take a few years for one to realize. Such a term I had learned from my Economics teacher during his class, and his question is still running through my mind from time to time; how can one even fulfill that need at the top of Maslow’s Hierarchy if he couldn’t even fulfill the one at the bottom–the physiological needs.

Which is more important? The need to be known, or the need to establish oneself and his place? Nowadays, we mistake identity as a name that’s well known. But what’s in a name, I recall Shakespeare’s words. A rose, by any other name, smells just as sweet. However, we find difficulty in creating our own identity because we live up to the identity that this world has given to us ever since we were born.  Our decisions that make up who we are are altered by everything around us. When one starts making a decision, one is already shaping his identity. It is a process, a long journey within yourself that only the bravest of us all can move his way to the top and lift his head up in pride. Nowadays, identity is used to identify you, but I believe that identity is standing out to be remembered.

The identity doesn’t mold who you are; you mold your own identity.

#4

It sucks when you feel like you’re the only one who’s making an effort in relationships.

It’s unfair. I don’t fucking like it when I treat other people like they’re more superior than who they really are. I hate how they have their heads aimed high and just when other people ignore them, they come crawling back to you and you become that person who would keep them company until such a time comes when other people notice them and talk to them and they leave you all alone.

So what am I? A back-up plan or something? It’s a cycle that would leave you pondering why you get that empty feeling inside. It’s irritable. I get attached easily when it comes to these things so I’m sorry if it happens to be my fault. I really am (being sarcastic).

They have no regard with other people’s feelings; they only care about their own and screw whoever isn’t ruining their day or eating them out of guilt.

This is why I tend to be alone. Because I don’t want to be that person that one runs to when they only need something from you temporarily. I can be a friend as long as you don’t shit on my face, thank you very much. Or wait, it’d be alright if you did.

I like being alone. Period.

#3 – The perks of having a strict dad.

It’s good. It’s bad. But when it comes to watching concerts even by myself, my dad won’t let me.

It just so happens that tonight, Maroon 5 & The Cab (AH, the Cab!) are performing at Araneta as of the moment and I can’t even get a gen. ad ticket because my dad said that I don’t have anyone else with me. So now, I’m sulking over not being able to see the two awesome bands. Plus, I even heard that Maroon 5 will disband after this tour–Adam Levine will be going solo–so if I were to wait for their reunion concert, I might be 30+ at that time or something, or I might not even like the band anymore.

Another band that’s going to have a 3 day concert here is the Cab, which is one of my favorite bands. They’ll be performing at three different Ayala malls and I really want to go to even just one of them but my dad won’t let me.

I mean, I’m responsible. I can commute my way to Araneta and back to my house but my dad doesn’t want to, which is why I spend most of my high school life cloistered in my room, which is getting boring, to be honest. I know I’ve always been contented of these four walls around me but I get sick of them too. I’ve never been this passionate for music and then he doesn’t allow me to go see my favorite musicians live, even if it’s just the general admission ticket. I may sound like a spoiled brat, but I’m only spoiled when it comes to these matters; everything else, I follow my parents’ words like a little girl.

Thankfully, by the time Foster the People holds a concert here, I’ll be with my mom. 🙂 I hope mom would allow me! 🙂

#2: Blue.

Yesterday, I expected that the ACET would be a lot more difficult than the UPCAT. I stand corrected.

The UPCAT has difficult questions and was really pressuring. Not that the ACET didn’t pressure me; it’s just that I feel more relaxed while taking it because the questions were alright (but I’m not saying that I’ll ace the Math portion. Nuh uh.)

Plus, there was no Science portion, which may have been one of the reasons behind my calmness throughout the test. The English portion was a bit tricky–you’d think there aren’t any mistakes, but if you look closely, there are. :)) (This is what I get for being a grammar nazi). The Math proficiency part and the numerical ability part of the test are the ones with the most guesses I’ve made. I’m not good in Math. I hate Math.

Well, thanks to the rain, I was soaking since I had to walk my way from the high school building to KFC in front of Ateneo. It wasn’t that far but my legs were hurting that time. I need to walk more. 🙂

I found the ACET easier, but fuck, it was really pressuring. My essay made no sense.

#1

First post, so I’ll make it worth while.

I’ll write posts that make sense, posts that might not make sense, and posts that don’t make sense at all.

I used to write my blogs on Tumblr, but Tumblr’s become overrated, and everyone now knows about Tumblr so it’s not as hidden as it used to be. I wanted to use livejournal but I don’t know how to make mine work so here I am. 🙂

More shit to come. You’ve been warned.

Btw, tomorrow’s the ACET (Ateneo College Entrance Test) and I’m not as fidgety as I was on the day before the UPCAT. But then again, I’m not that serious in getting into Ateneo because I can’t really afford to study there, and my preferred course isn’t there but in UP and UST. But thank goodness, my first term exams are over. Two more to go, and honestly, I can’t wait until I graduate already.

Okay, maybe I do want to pass the ACET without that much effort. I wanted to get into Ateneo as a kid but I’ve changed my mind. Still, my ten year old self wouldn’t allow it so I’m sorta determined to pass. Good luck to meeee.

I’ll go to sleep now. I wouldn’t want to fall asleep while taking the ACET. Good night peeps (if anyone’s reading).