#63

A poem inspired by this picture of an actor that struck me. This is fictional.

There was a boy I had once loved
His face was full of moles
Whenever I would hold his face between my hands
I let my fingers glide against his cheeks
And feel the slightest bumps against my skin
As I get lost in our kisses
And with my eyes closed, I could tell
That this was the person that I wanted to be with

But now, he’s gone
To ease the pain, I meet other people
I kiss other people
With my eyes closed
I caress their cheeks
As if I was looking for the same spots that I was used to touching
But they weren’t there
And he wasn’t there
And I cried with my eyes closed as he made love to me
Trying to imagine that he was here
Touching me, holding me, within me
But it never works out
Because he was not the person that I wanted to be with

And the person that I wanted to be with
Only remains in my memories
And the one thing I remember most about him
Was the marks on his face
How they looked
How they felt
How they lingered

Advertisements

#62

Lost, confused, in distraught.

4th year has become hell for me. I think it was even more hellish than 3rd year 2nd sem because of the people that I am surrounded with.

My self esteem has reached an all time low along with my grades. And I have never felt so stifled and helpless in my entire life. Like a thorn that’s constantly stuck in my throat, I try to describe my emotions, but words fail me. I have been sucked into this black hole too much.

How long until this ends? How long until all my anxieties flee me?

This is utterly distressing and frustrating.

#61

Only a few more days before summer ends. My last summer, since I’ll be sent off to internship once I finish 4th year. It’s astounding, isn’t it? To finally be in 4th year, to be so close to graduating and living the life that I dreamed for myself? And to think, years from now, with my plans to study abroad, everything is becoming so overwhelming for me.

I just realized that I’ve been spending most of my life daydreaming, and not living in the moment.

Another conclusion that I have raised upon myself is the fact that even if I did write something to please others, ultimately, I should be writing for myself. As Cyril Connolly once said, “Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self.” So I’ll be doing more of that, which is basically the point of this blog. But also, it applies to the stories that I write.

 

#60

I once often dismissed this feeling because I thought that it was just too much even for another person to feel such a thing, but these past few days, I’ve been getting the feeling that I may not be the only one who felt that way.

So I trace back to my high school years, when I would talk and talk to my friends who live miles away from here, and taking into account the time difference… so when the group chat is in session, and I saw your name there, you don’t know how happy I would feel when I did see it, and how I’d control myself from laughing due to excitement.

And when you’d leave because you had to sleep–which was understandable, or unimaginable, since you sleep at 3-4 in the morning–even though I know it’s perfectly reasonable for you to leave, I’d feel this tug inside me and the urge to say “please, don’t go”, because I loved talking with you, and I loved the feeling while doing so. But I didn’t like the person that I was when I was talking to you. This front that I had to put up just to keep your attention on me and to make myself louder so as to appear more interesting was something I couldn’t keep up, because deep inside I know that that’s not me.

Deep inside, I was hoping that you liked me for who I am, and that you’d remember me as the person that I am now, but how could you, when I didn’t even bother to really show you that side of me because I was afraid of being so vulnerable, of the people around us, of the attention that we were getting because of my feelings? Most of all, how could I, when I’m not so sure of what you thought of me back then, before I realized that perhaps you were just toying with my feelings unknowingly, just because you were too nice to refuse me?

This confusion still plagues my heart to this day. I never had closure to begin with, since I never gave you the opportunity to speak- I just left without another word. I think it’s all my fault though–I was afraid, and I’m still afraid to gain that closure to this day. I’m still afraid of what our friends back then would think of my actions, and I’m afraid of what you’ll think of me for suddenly returning. That’s why I stayed still, even though there were times I would want to send you a message and all that.

Musings aside, I will be braver. I will be bolder. And no matter who or what circumstances I fall under that would challenge my vulnerabilities, I won’t back down. I’ll keep on fighting.

#59

I am filled with utter disappointment.

Writing in the Gakuen Alice archive has always brought me a mixture of joy and thrill. To see my works published in that archive was empowering, and I look forward to the people who read it and motivate me to write even more.

But recently, I stopped writing in that archive due to studies. When I viewed my past stories there, I looked back at the reviews page and reckoned that I should commit myself to finishing this story at last– at least finish it for those who are still reading it, even though deep inside, the stories there have been hindering me from writing this other story that I have been aching to write.

So I finished the latest chapter and uploaded it. I was excited and I looked forward to the people who would read it, and perhaps leave feedback on it to let me know that this decision was not in vain, and the continuation of this story was something that readers actually wanted. A few days have passed, and not a lot of people left feedback, which made me sad because I had thought that the 80+ people who were subscribing to this story were still interested in reading it… but the amount of reviews left behind speak otherwise.

It’s quite disappointing because I felt as if I wasted my time on it. I no longer had the motivation to finish this story, but I feel guilty for not finishing it because there were these people counting on me, and I wanted to give them something they could look forward to, finish it, and ultimately leave that website for good. Unfortunately, things didn’t go my way, and I asked for a sign, that if I didn’t receive this amount of reviews by Wednesday, I shall be posting the last chapter of that story and move on to greener pastures, to finally write Flare.

I don’t understand though. When I viewed the stats, 100+ people visited my work, over 400 views and only 1-2 people cared to leave feedback. It’s quite frustrating, to think that i had worked hard for naught.

I cry.

#58

Last time, I mentioned that I wanted matcha ice cream and chocolate. Well, God surely delivers–I have em with me right now, and I’ve never been so happy since the time when my grades were released. And guess who’s gonna be a 4th year OT student?

Me. 😀

Also, I didn’t bother posting this last Monday but… R+L=J is real! Ha! The theory which I wished so badly to come true has been finally confirmed by the TV series. You could say that I was part of the early mainstream release of R+L=J, but I don’t care whether it’s been popularized or not–it’s real, and I’m just so happy that a lot of people share the same hope of Jon Snow sitting on the Iron Throne along with Daenerys Targaryen.

And now that Ramsay Bolton is dead, can I just say that I’m totally attracted to Iwan Rheon? Love his songs. He has this touch of authenticity to his songs that I haven’t heard in a while now. It kinda reminds me of Dylan or McCartney.

Anyway, enough with the “A Song of Ice & Fire” series and on to more life crushing moments, if I say so myself. This is the last summer that I am ever going to have. When I finish my senior year, we will be immediately assigned to our designated internship locations and do our thang. Sometimes I even wonder if I have what it takes to treat patients. I don’t know, I just think that I have so much respect for people that my small blunders while practicing as a student would be something that I would look at as a “crime against humanity”. But then I think to myself, “Wow, you overthink too much.”

Which is why I just opt to go with the flow, and perhaps things will turn out well. I just gotta work on my interpersonal skills as well as my competency in order to help people get the best out of their treatment. Sometimes, I would think to myself, “Wow, I am handling human lives. That is such a precious thing to bear.” One who wears the crown must bear its weight. To my future patients, I hope I do you justice!!

Besides these rants, what prompted me to write was my mother sending a photo of my younger brother. My cousins would comment on how cute he is, sending him affections and all, but when I viewed that picture, I viewed it as just another child, and dismissed it. It made me feel like a horrible person. Why can’t I learn to like my younger brother?

Sure, we never had the time to really get to know each other. I only knew him for a few months, yet like the child that he is, he’s happy to see me, and I know deep down he looks up to me and loves me. But what I fear the most would be my anger towards my mother passing onto him, even if he doesn’t have anything to do with it. He’s just a kid. He never did anything to me. What happened between me and my mother is our business. But my mother doesn’t understand how I feel nor makes an effort to do so. She knows that I like kids, but doesn’t know that I’m not filled with joy or affection for my younger brother. It feels as if she’s expecting me to immediately bond with him like how he does with me even if it’s only through pictures. I can’t do that. Perhaps too much emotional scarring from her has brought me to this state but I’m trying to revert from that. And I have to understand her side again and again. I want to change that though–that habit of mine of always regarding my feelings first. Like, it’s okay to be aware of them and know them deeply, but acting like I’m the only one who’s affected by the situation isn’t good. I should also have regard for other people. I should learn to put other people first.

I just hope that my cousin would be ok with me looking up to her as more of a motherly figure than my mother could ever be.

#57

It’s been days since the school year ended, and I’ve been very eager to write — writing about these stories that keep buzzing in my head due to my hyperactive yet still functional imagination. It’s been a while, and perhaps I’ve lost my touch, but I like writing, and to be honest, the experience matters more to me than the product (but that’s no excuse to neglect it whatsoever). Anyhow, back to writing.

So next year, I won’t be seeing a familiar face (the trash). Even though I was a bit freaked out by our encounters, I’m going to miss them–or more specifically, the rush that I feel whenever that person tries to go a bit closer to get a better look and other things like that. At the corridor. At the cafe. At the train. I know I’m romanticizing it, but I just can’t help it- it really is in my nature to idealize the fuck out of something and always expect that something good comes out of it. I mean, face the facts, yes. But I would always say “I just want to widen my options,” and then once options have been laid out, there goes my imagination, trying to predict them in a dreamlike fashion. Nevertheless, I know where I draw the line, and I’d know if a person were earnest.

Kinda like what happened this semester. I finally gained closure with my feelings. It took me a while to realize that person’s indifference, and that person never truly cared at all — if that person ever did, that may have been a long time ago, and people change. There’s still some (but doesn’t it always leave a mark, at least 5-10% of it) but basically I just don’t give a rat’s ass about that person anymore.

Lately, I’ve been thinking of working out more, since throughout the semester, I’ve always complained about how tired I was, and how sleepy I always was, and I should do something to address it. I’ve heard that if you work out more, that would increase blood flow to the brain, increasing brain activity and reducing chances of getting sleepy. I’d like to try that out, as well as pursue a healthier lifestyle since I had a recent stomach ache that made me vomit my heart out.

Just waiting for my grades to be released. I hope I pass the semester. I really hope so. I don’t want to be delayed. I don’t want to put any more financial burden to the family. Oh yeah, small accomplishment though– I didn’t study for my Physiology 2 Lab exam, yet I passed it with points to spare. Haha! Sadly, even if I studied for Anatomy 2 Lab 3rd shifting exam, I failed it. Luckily, I passed my grand pracs, which is 10% of the bulk of our final grade in anatomy 2 lab, and I’ve been failing this subject, so this is actually a silver lining for me. I hope everything falls in my favor.

I want chocolate. And matcha ice cream. I want it bad.